


Mycroft Is A Creepy Stalker

by PC_Hopkins (orphan_account)



Series: Texts From Baker Street (and other tales of woe) [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: (well drunk texting really), Angst, Anthea is a BAMF, Crack, Drunk Dialing, Explicit Language, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Post Break-up, Relationship(s), Sherlock does care... in his own terrible way, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-17
Updated: 2012-06-17
Packaged: 2017-11-07 22:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/436358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/PC_Hopkins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not just Sherlock and John who have relationship difficulties.</p><p>Or, in which Mycroft is a stalker (but he gets better), Anthea is the world's best assistant, and Lestrade is really very confused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mycroft Is A Creepy Stalker

Pick up your phone.

\- M

 

If you won’t answer your phone, I do not see how we can handle this conversation sensibly.

\- M

 

Gregory, I know you’re reading these. I can see you. Why won’t you answer my calls?

\- M

 

You said that ignoring the issue would not make it go away. I can hardly see why you would not call this, “ignoring the issue.”

\- M

 

My wording perhaps left something to be desired, but what was I supposed to do? Tell John I was texting him via your phone because you were performing fellatio on me and I had mistakenly thought it was mine? I do make mistakes. Occasionally. But I was attempting to be discreet and considerate.

\- M

 

If I recall correctly, you also agreed to not, “coming out,” as it were.

\- M

 

Gregory?

\- M

 

\---

 

Report on Subject 1 4 3.

\- M

 

He’s just going about his usual routine, sir. No changes.

\- A

 

I said _report_.

\- M

 

Apologies, sir. Date with Subject 1 8 2 at pub in two days – will be able to link you to live feed – and another date this week that you are also attending.

\- A

 

Did you require an hourly summation of today?

\- A

 

Sir?

\- A

 

Should I cancel your meetings for tonight, sir?

\- A

 

No.

\- M

 

Yes, I require an hourly summation. In future I want hourly reports – elevate his surveillance status to Grade 4.

\- M

 

Yes, sir.

\- A

 

May I make a suggestion, sir?

\- A

 

Will my answering yes or no affect your making this suggestion in any way?

\- M

 

No, sir; it’s what I’m paid for.

\- A

 

Very well. Yes, you may.

\- M

 

If you’re going to do this damn silly thing, don’t do it in this damn silly way.

\- A

 

Your concerns have been taken into consideration. Grade 4.

\- M

 

Very well, sir. I’ve had to decline your order to assassinate Subject 1 8 2. Your brother would be upset.

\- A

 

No, sir, I’m not going to approve it even if you resubmit it under the Queen’s name.

\- A

 

I’ll send a bottle of champagne to your house, sir; will that be sufficient?

\- A

 

No, sir, I will not put Lestrade at Grade 5 surveillance.

\- A

 

Sir, do you really think elevating his status to Grade 6 is going to make me suddenly approve it? Your ex-boyfriend is not a world-renown terrorist.

\- A

 

No, sir, I will not approve a nuclear strike on France.

\- A

 

No, sir, I will not assassinate myself.

\- A

 

I’m cancelling your meetings, sir.

\- A

 

Don’t text Lestrade, sir; you’re drunk.

\- A

 

Sir, I’m going to confiscate your phone if you do that.

\- A

 

\---

 

youssstil wont anseer my caalllsa

\- M

 

wwwhhhhuuu

\- M

 

ffffdjjjjjj

\- M

 

im dsssssaaafffff

\- M

 

hleppp

\- M

 

Ok, why in the hell are you texting me at 2am?

\- Gregory

 

Are you having a stroke??

\- Gregory

 

Why are you texting me if you’re having a stroke?

\- Gregory

 

nnooo

\- M

 

ym asisttna is tring tkea away mu phne

\- M

 

you cnt hav ti

\- M

 

noo

\- M

 

thats ok I haveeeee two mre

\- M

 

haaahahahelp

\- M

 

shee fund the itthr 1

\- M

 

Are you pissed??

\- Gregory

 

no im sda nd hapy

\- M

 

oh

\- M

 

hahHAHAAH yesssss

\- M

 

A drunk Mycroft is texting me.

\- Gregory

 

At 2am.

\- Gregory

 

Okay. I think I need to re-evaluate my life choices.

\- Gregory

 

dnt be sad

\- M

 

im ssssaf for bith if us

\- M

 

Apologies Mr Lestrade, for disturbing your night. I think I have all of his phones now.

\- M

 

That’s fine. No problem.

\- Gregory

 

Did you require any reimbursement?

\- M

 

No?  
\- Gregory

 

It’s standard procedure to ask. Have a good night.

\- M

 

hseee mised onheehehe

\- M

 

How drunk _are_ you?

\- Gregory

 

vrry

\- M

 

I’d tell you to not do anything you’d regret, but, well… Just don’t do anything dangerous, ok?

\- Gregory

 

i hate

\- M

 

You hate what?

\- Gregory

 

Mycroft?

\- Gregory

 

everything

\- M

 

speiclay asstralia

\- M

 

What did Australia do?  
\- Gregory

 

made nicee eewine

\- M

 

teriblyee ppotlicians

\- M

 

dry

\- M

 

I think you should go to bed.

\- Gregory

 

make me

\- M

 

I’m halfway across the city.

\- Gregory

 

ill cll in a helicoptttttetr

\- M  
  


ohddder wordsss

\- M

 

thaats a hrdddd word

\- M

 

I’m not going to get in a helicopter to get you into bed. Go to bed.

\- Gregory

 

nnnoooo shant

\- M

 

Is there any way I can contact your assistant?

\- Gregory

 

wiundt tlel u if there waas

\- M

 

shes gon hmoe

\- M

 

Jesus Christ.

\- Gregory

 

no mycrfffft hlossem

\- M

 

oops

\- M

 

What?

\- Gregory

 

ntoghin

\- M

 

It’s 3am now.

\- Gregory

 

eeeeehehe

\- M

 

oh dearr awts that

\- M

 

Ok, fine, I’m coming over.

\- Gregory

 

Count your bloody stars that tomorrow is Sunday.

\- Gregory

 

thres toooooooo many strars

\- M

 

wati com g ovrrr?

\- M

 

u cant gett in yuo threeeewwww the kwy in my ffeace

\- M

 

greeeeogggry??

\- M

 

oh onononoo

\- M

 

i cnt gettt up

\- M

 

hrlp

\- M

 

\---

 

I must say that lasted long.

\- S

 

A week before you split up.

\- S

 

Well done.

\- S

 

I think that’s a new record for you.

\- S

 

Or should it be ‘new low’?

\- S

 

It’s terribly dull insulting you when you don’t even answer.

\- S

 

Maybe I should break into the Palace.

\- S

 

Or the Diogenes? I am _ever_ so concerned about you.

\- S

 

You’re being more boring than usual today.

\- S

 

Though, imagine letting John break up your relationship.

\- S

 

I was going to make an effort to not, even though you two are wholly unsuited to one another.

\- S

 

Mycroft?

\- S

 

Dull.

\- S

 

\---

 

Sir, are you feeling better?

\- A

 

I’ve reordered your morning meetings.

\- A

 

We couldn’t pick up Subject 1 4 3 from 0300 to 0700, and are looking into any security breaches or failures we may have had. At 0800 he was back at his flat, upon which he went straight to bed. It’s 0930 and he’s still asleep.

\- A

 

Sir, I can’t help but notice that your apartment’s surveillance systems were down from 0256 to 0723.

\- A

 

Are you alright, sir?

\- A

 

I will be over in approx 15 minutes.

\- A

 

It would be much obliged if you were to contact me, or show any signs of life.

\- A

 

Your brother was caught trying to sneak into the Diogenes at 0801. He’s back at Baker St now.

\- A

 

The Queen will be very displeased if you’ve died.

\- A

 

Sir?

\- A

 

\---

 

Your assistant is boring.

\- S

 

You are boring.

\- S

 

John is asleep and therefore boring.

\- S

 

Lestrade is depressed and therefore intolerable to be around.

\- S

 

And boring.

\- S

 

Don’t you have any scandals for me to solve?

\- S

 

ugh

\- S

 

I can feel my brain rotting.

\- S

 

Aren’t there any crimes being committed?

\- S

 

You’d think the criminal world takes the concept of the Sabbath seriously.

\- S

 

Mycroft, I’m going to start assuming that you’ve died.

\- S

 

John would be upset.

\- S

 

I’d have to perform your eulogy.

\- S

 

Don’t be dead, please; that would be intolerable.

\- S

 

Mycroft.

\- S

 

Mycroft.

\- S

 

Mycroft.

\- S

 

Mycroft.

\- S

 

Mycroftttttt.

\- S

 

You force me to investigate. Let it be known by all that my interest was piqued, and it was your fault.

\- S

 

\---

 

Mycroft, do you know where Sherlock has gone off to?

\- Watson

 

I mean I know he just goes off without warning, but this is the fourth time in a week.

\- Watson

 

It’s starting to become a sort of routine, which is terrifying.

\- Watson

 

Mycroft?

\- Watson

 

Sorry, don’t worry about it if you’re busy, he’ll come back eventually. He always has before.

\- Watson

 

Oh, are you coming this Thursday?

\- Watson

 

\---

 

You haven’t actually died, have you?

\- S

 

Mycroft, I demand you be alive and answer your door.

\- S

 

Oh, wait, nevermind, your assistant is here.

\- S

 

Looking angry. What did I

\- S

 

\---

 

Apologies, Mr Holmes, for punching your brother.

\- A

 

But I’m not very sorry.

\- A

 

Now, are you alive, sir?

\- A

 

I’m opening the door.

\- A

 

for christ’s _sake_

\- M

 

_one night_

\- M

 

\---

 

**All contacts**

_- > Send text message_

 

Yes, I am alive, stop asking.

\- M

 

**John Watson**

_- > Send text message_

 

John, yes, I am coming. Sherlock will be returned to you shortly.

\- M

 

Ok, cheers. You don’t need to bring anything. We’ll have it all sorted. Hopefully.

\- Watson

 

**Sherlock**

_- > Send text message_

 

No, do not break into the palace, and no, I do not have anything for you, and no, my assistant is not a bitch, and yes, I would have hit you too.

\- M

 

_fuck you_

\- S

 

**Harry**

_- > Send text message_

 

Reschedule to 1930? Familial obligations. Can you inform HRM that I will be available after 1030, for the same reason?

\- M

 

Certainly.

\- H

 

**Gregory**

_- > Send text message_

 

Last night was very

 

_Delete text?_

_Text deleted._

 

I would like to say

 

_Delete text?_

_Text deleted._

 

Thank you for

 

_Delete text?_

_Text deleted._

 

I am sorry that

 

_Delete text?_

_Text deleted._

 

I must apologise for last night. It won’t happen again.

\- M

 

\---

 

Take off surveillance on Subject 1 4 3.

\- M

 

Sir? Scale back to Grade 3?

\- A

 

Take it off. Grade 1, passive.

\- M

 

Did you want the live feed from tomorrow?

\- A

 

No.

\- M

 

Very well, sir; Grade 1, passive on DI Lestrade.

\- A

 

He’ll appreciate it.

\- A

 

His appreciation is irrelevant.

\- M

 

If you’re sure, sir.

\- A

 

Extremely.

\- M

 

Don’t you have work to do?

\- M

 

\---

 

You don’t need to apologise, it’s alright.

\- Gregory

 

Well actually my shirt is sort of buggered but aside from that

\- Gregory

 

I don’t suppose you know a good dry-cleaner?

\- Gregory

 

Several. I can have someone pick up your clothing, if you’ll leave it outside your apartment.

\- M

 

Yeah, that’d be great, thanks.

\- Gregory

 

Maybe you should stay away from wine for a bit.

\- Gregory

 

I intend to.

\- M

 

Sherlock’s been texting me relentlessly.

\- Gregory

 

Don’t suppose you could get him to stop, at all?

\- Gregory

 

Yes.

\- M

 

Oh, you didn’t need to

\- Gregory

 

Well, thank you, anyway. Might get to sleep now.

\- Gregory

 

How’re you feeling?

\- Gregory

 

Fine.

\- M

 

Really? After drinking about a crate of champagne? That’s a trait to be admired.

\- Gregory

 

I don’t suppose you’re free at all next week?

\- Gregory

 

Not really.

\- M

 

Sorry, stupid question. That’s fine. I’ll see you around.

\- Gregory

 

Yes.

\- M

 

One last thing, sorry; you coming to the thing this Thursday?

\- Gregory

 

Yes.

\- M

 

Oh, okay.

\- Gregory

 

I will not if you do not want me to.

\- M

 

No! Didn’t mean that. Good. It’s all good. I’ll see you there.

\- Gregory

 

Reckon it’ll just be John fessing up that he and Sherlock are together now, anyway.

\- Gregory

 

Indeed.

\- M

 

So, um, yeah. See you about. And, don’t be sorry for last night.

\- Gregory

 

\---

 

Sir, can you unlock the door to your office?

\- A

 

No.

\- M

 

Fine, give me a moment.

\- M

 

It’ll be alright, sir.

\- A

 

Actually, no, go away.

\- M

 

I’ll give you five minutes. You’ve a meeting.

\- A

 

When am I free next week?

\- M

 

Let me rephrase that: clear a time for me next week. I require an afternoon. Preferably a weekend.

\- M

 

And text Subject 1 4 3 with that time.

\- M

 

No, wait, don’t text him.

\- M

 

I’ll text him, sir.

\- A

 

Sir, I’m afraid I’ve had to again decline your orders to assassinate John Watson and myself.

\- A

 

It will be fine.

\- A

 

Will it?

\- M

 

You’ve got another minute.

\- A

 

Very well, come in.

\- M

**Author's Note:**

> "If you're going to do this damn silly thing, don't do it in this damn silly way," is, of course, from _Yes, Minister_.


End file.
